How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
