I faked an abortion last night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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