I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
