Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hello my rib-scented angel!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
