Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
