does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
