Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
