i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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