I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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