I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
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For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
me + whiskey = a bad person
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I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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