He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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