Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
