So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
