Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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