yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
