i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hippo gnu deer
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
