I accidentally burped into my bong.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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