Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
