i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
