its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
FUCK WHALES
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
