I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
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But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
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I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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