I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
