roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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