I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
