So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
