Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
