I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
