I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
