When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
