no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
