if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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