Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
