see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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