FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
