Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
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I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
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Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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