The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
