She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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