Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
