In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
