Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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