I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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