Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
