The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
