i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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