i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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