At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
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He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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