Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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