i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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