At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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