she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
