Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
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I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
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Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Text me some of your sweat
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