Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize