peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
