i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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