sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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