Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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