i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
All I want is dick and wine.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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