Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
