I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
